Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan.
Me: *makes another plate of nachos*
I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend.
You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.
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It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.
Me: I should stop drinking
Me: I dunno
Me: You’re awesome when you drink
Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
PSA for campus drivers
*puts cell phone in radiation free charging box*
“You know we used to sleep with these right by our heads”
3 eyed grandson “really?”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.