Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend.
You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.
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Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Overheard at a museum cafe:
“What kind of coffee do you have?”
“Uh. Just the kind they give us to brew.”
“Well is it Kenyan? Ethiopian?”
“Sir. It’s just coffee. Either buy it or don’t.”
I love New Yorkers.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?