@RealDMK

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

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@caroline_umc

Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some?

Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.

@AdderallMomma

Nobody warned me that my child could possibly develop an attitude similar to mine.

@TheWoodenslurpy

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

@Vodkantots

I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.

@bmarked21

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

@TheBoydP

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

@daemonic3

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

@ninjadinosaur1

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches