@RealDMK

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

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@TheTweetOfGod

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

@BoomBoomBetty

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

@fro_vo

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

@Cpin42

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

@KKAlThani

If you love something, set a cheese trap. If you catch it, it’s a mouse. Why are you in love with a mouse?

@mars___bars

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

@Go2Slp

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can’t Breathe Without You to I’ll Choke You Out In Public.