Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.