I occasionally drink every single night.
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.