I occasionally sew religious clothing but I’d never make a habit of it.

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Daughter 1: Dad, I’m lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too
dad. Dad: Doesn’t anyone like guys here? Son: I


me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken


to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other


If you’re behind someone at an ATM, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.


*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*


Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.


Food Network makes me feel like a perv:
Beat it
It’s not moist enough
My wrist is tired
Look how thick it’s getting
It’s all about flavor


I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.


You can’t control what people say or do. The only thing you can control is how much accelerant to use.


*hits a joint and talks with smoke in lungs*

Hey man, what if, like they infused a banana with marijuana and made a cannabananaoid?