Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
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Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[using ouija board]
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
My daughter is one eye roll away from being sold to a traveling circus.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Students, unfollow me now. Tonight’s drunk subtweets might sting a little.
Especially you Britney. Your lab report was a pile of dog shit.
Just spent a nice relaxing hour on facebook, writing “you Two look fantastic!!” on all weekend selfies with three girls or more in it.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.