You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Someone posted this in and I can鈥檛 stop laughing.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I鈥檓 sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it鈥檚 only a matter of time before nothing happens.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don鈥檛 touch on the plate
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
She is very cute, has great energy! 馃槀
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
You have been warned.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people