I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card. It sends the message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren’t that bright.

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I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.


Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.


Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali


Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you


Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.


I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.