Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
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I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it’s just because he’s Canadian.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Our foul, evil octopus has just learnt to suck loads of water directly from the end of the tank pump, so it can spray me with even more water than usual if I (the person she hates the most) step within a foot of her tank. I’m absolutely soaked
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.