I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”