It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
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The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I see your IQ test came back negative
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!