I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
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Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Never be a pizza!
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
where’s Godzilla when we need him
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.