@Gupton68

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

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@justsomegirl81

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…and the dentist. You should definitely fear the dentist.

@aka_fatman

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

@ibid78

[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh

@graceful_asfuck

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

@PaperWash

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

@FabMommy29

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

@bartandsoul

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.