“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
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Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Catering service
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.