I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice