I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉