I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
This why you should mind your business
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I hate my earbuds.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”