I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
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Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.