I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

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Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?


HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.


If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.


*At my future wedding* “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband”

Me to the groupchat: omg do I say yes or is that desperate


I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us


I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you


I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.


the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help


Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.