@JKNenagh

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

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@ariscott

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

@withanewname

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

@offbeatoliv

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

@JediGigi

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

@Stellar_AF

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

@KeetPotato

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

@Shade510

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

@tmoswole

To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.

@man_spach

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.