I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

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[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast


*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*


I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.


FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes



Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.


Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone


co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”


A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.


To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.


My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.