I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
What
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.