I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
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I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
That’s not how days work.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Only a mother’s love …
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Phones down.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana