I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
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Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
reminder
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Animal poetry
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.