wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
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Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”