@dire_beard

I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.

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@junejuly12

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

@Smooheed

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

@DsTwitz

If guys were smart they would forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls buying frozen dinners and cat food.

@kirkfox

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

@OctopusCaveman

[Starbucks]

Me: I’ll have a grande vanilla latte.

Barista: Soy milk?

Me: Hola Milk. Una gran latte de vainilla por favor.

@imdaintyaf

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!