[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
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[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard