I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I once almost called 911 from the bathroom because I was afraid I would never stop peeing.
Related fact: marijuana warps time perception
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All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel so blessed…I don’t have ugly children.
pilot: we’re about to crash
pilot: this wedding
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[drinks milk from carton]
WHY AREN’T YOU USING A GLASS?!?
“I went to the eye doctor”
What does that mean?
“He said I don’t need glasses”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
15 out of 12 beers agree I can’t do math when I’m drunk.
“How did your grammar competition go?”