COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
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I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Worst perfume name ever.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
how long have you had this for?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Buck naked
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.