Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
You Might Also Like
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No