Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
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him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.