Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
He-man has a Masters degree
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.