I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Ugh but profoundly
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
just gave your address to some spiders
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.