Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

oh shit

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.