I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
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me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!