I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
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When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Generation gap…
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”