@RCKruseKontrol

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

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@Fatgoldfish4

I dunno if anyone else follows Play-Doh on Facebook but you should cause they’re doing some serious damage control

@Fred_Delicious

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”

“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

@sofarrsogud

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

@GrantTanaka

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

@runninforwine

Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.

@WeedlordKrillin

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

@MissBamantha

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

@rickolantern

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

@TheAlexNevil

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute