I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

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I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.


My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom.

The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I’ve strategically placed, should do the trick.


date: and then after traveling to Iceland I decided to get my MBA



me: I went to Arby’s 7 times yesterday


I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokรฉmon GO then she got hit by a car.


All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel so blessed…I don’t have ugly children.


As your goth healthcare provider I urge you to drink water. There is nothing more attractive or intimidating than a hydrated goth.


“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway