I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
You Might Also Like
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
January is lasting longer than my marriage
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*