Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JermHimselfish

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

@TheToddWilliams

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Morningbreath

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@Shelts99

My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom.

The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I’ve strategically placed, should do the trick.

@PaperWash

date: and then after traveling to Iceland I decided to get my MBA

me:

date:

me: I went to Arby’s 7 times yesterday

@AJslackie2

I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.

@kwirkyKerri

All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel so blessed…I don’t have ugly children.

@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare provider I urge you to drink water. There is nothing more attractive or intimidating than a hydrated goth.

@PaperWash

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

@LionJenkins

Mos Def (Most Definitely.)

Hi Def (High. Definitely.)

@PinchSuckBlow

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?