Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.
[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
me: I can’t sleep
her: count some sheep
me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit
lego batman: i hate the rain
lego batman: the puddles
me: what’s wrong with puddles
lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn’t break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.