@dafloydsta

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

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@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

@Chay_Raghu

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.

[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

@TingyS

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

@GloriaFallon123

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

@_elvishpresley_

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

@Mom_Overboard

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

@369ffs

me: I can’t sleep

her: count some sheep

me [1647 sheep later]: this is bullshit

@thombodytolove

lego batman: i hate the rain

me: why

lego batman: the puddles

me: what’s wrong with puddles

lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire

@RocketRankoon

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

@itshotterhere

Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn’t break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.