I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

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[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one


“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.


I like it soft and warm. Uh huh. Yea girl, go ahead and throw that figgy pudding in the microwave for a bit.


That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”


My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.


Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.


My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”


I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.


Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.


me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D