I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
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Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I love it all
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.