[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
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[pilot announces crash landing]
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
This is absolutely my favourite thing written about #FyreFestival
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
You do a dazzling imitation of a blithering idiot!
You’re being serious, about your love for your TC?
Oh dear, this is awkward.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.