@fuzzlime

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

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@Rlpihl

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

@1followernodad

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

@CosRyan

This is absolutely my favourite thing written about #FyreFestival

@jazmasta

They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.

@TheTonyHowell

Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.

@mexinonblonde

WOW!
You do a dazzling imitation of a blithering idiot!
Oh…
You’re being serious, about your love for your TC?
Oh dear, this is awkward.

@topaz006

Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.