I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
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If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.