@MisterBombay

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

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@KeetPotato

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

@gobmentcheese

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

@NoTrophy4You

The reason why there aren’t much female superheroes is that you can’t expect a girl to wear the same superhero costume twice in a month

@SortaBad

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

@shkeeber

If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.

@jollyrobber

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

@brittwastaken

I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.

You, a muffin, remain motionless.

@bourgeoisalien

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.