I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE