co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
The reason why there aren’t much female superheroes is that you can’t expect a girl to wear the same superhero costume twice in a month
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.
You, a muffin, remain motionless.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Reporter: *ports again*