I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”