It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
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<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
the last thing a carrot sees
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.