I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
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Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”