i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
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If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.