I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
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Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!