If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I once had an epileptic fit during my turn at a game of charades.
Everyone just kept yelling, “HOW MANY WORDS?” and “IS IT THE EXORCIST?”.
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[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.
*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in