Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
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Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
That de-escalated quickly
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here