Earth: Goodnight Moon
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time
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“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
13: Dad, What’s detour mean?
Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
me: stop it
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Me: Wanna role play?
Wife: Sure 😉
Me: You be the chef/waitress and I’ll be the custom..WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart