me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
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SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
A short story of betrayal: