I once knew a brother so smooth he wore a bluetooth in each ear and held the exact same conversation with 2 separate women at the same time

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Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever


“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States


My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”


13: Dad, What’s detour mean?

Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.


[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking


“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.


Me: Wanna role play?

Wife: Sure 😉

Me: You be the chef/waitress and I’ll be the custom..WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!


Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart