[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I need a headline like this
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.