ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
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My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I just love that new Pope smell.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get