My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
You Might Also Like
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
emergency phone
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.