I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.

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Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.


Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die

You: so you can’t watch that YouTube link?

Me: I’m saying it’s dangerous to even send them


ROSE: I’ll never let go Jack

JACK: You have room

ROSE: I’ll never let go

JACK: You’re in a sailboat

ROSE: Goodbye Jack

JACK: You have a cooler of beer on deck


JACK: The boat has a living room



ROSE: Dude can’t you just take a hint


[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please


me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh


Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.


I’m not afraid to admit that for the longest time I didn’t really understand the whole “Netflix and Chill” thing.

I thought Netflix was for AFTER sex, so you didn’t have to talk to or look at each other.


scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*