I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
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[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.