@dmc1138

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

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@JessObsess

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

@kimtopher22

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

@GrowlyGrego

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

@rob1792

Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”

@StellaRtwot

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

@Femi_17

Can I call you?
Crush: Yes
Errm, I called but you didn’t pick
Crush: I said you could call, I never said I’d pick up

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…