I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
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To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.