Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
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*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Can I call you?
Errm, I called but you didn’t pick
Crush: I said you could call, I never said I’d pick up
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…