I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

You Might Also Like


*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils


I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.


[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R


Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”


Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.


Can I call you?
Crush: Yes
Errm, I called but you didn’t pick
Crush: I said you could call, I never said I’d pick up


I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…