I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
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I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Candles never taste the way they smell
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…