I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
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“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet