Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
My yard is full of bear traps cos I’m a bit weird about sharing milkshake.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
Cannoli do so much.
Now hes just a pizza history.
Dance like nobody’s watching you.
‘Cause they’re not.